Its been awhile since I've posted anything. I wish I was still not writting about how I feel about my parents divorce but its still something effecting me even months latter. After the last blog I wrote someone who read it, made their opnion very clear that I need to get over this and just grow up. I could not agree more with that person, but to me this divorce is more than my parents relationship. Its a broken relationship with my dad and me, and even greater a broken relationship between my dad, God, and myself.
Not many people know but the only reason I choose to stay in Orlando for College was in hopes of building a relationship with my dad and demonstrating Gods love to him. Of course a week after graduating my dad said he was moving out and leaving a very angry confused daughter.
Not until recently have I realized that I was very cocky. I thought I had this plan of teaching my dad about God, and Jesus, and that I was going to do this. How wrong was I? Only God knows what is in my dads heart, and knows his plan for my dad.
When I should have been praying to God for guidance and comfort, I only took my frustration out on my dad acting out with an attitude at anything he said or did.
Philpians 2:5 Says have the attitude of Christ Jesus."
After going over this verse in depth this week at an amazing confrence, God spoke to my heart through this verse and many speakers that I need to humble myself to have a relationship with my dad that honors God. I came home knowing I would see my dad the next day, praying that the conversation lead into away I could tell him how I feel and what I learend and mabey have our first decent conversation about Jesus. God answered my prayers, but not in the way I thought he would. My dad brought up he went to christmas eve mass with his girlfriend... The words made me feel like I was being punched in the gut, hearing my dad talk about his girlfrend or even the fact he went to church with her, something I had begged him to do with me for years. But I realized this is how God wanted the subject to be approached and I went with it. While nothing major came from the conversation, I at least understand where my dad is in terms of belif's and was able to have my first real conversation with him in the longest time.
I just pray that I am able to Glorfiy God, in any and all that conversations I have.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Day three of my dad moving out, he came back to pick up a few more items he left, and the fighting still commences. He yells at me for not putting water in the birdbath, a job I always hated to do since they he is the one who bird watches. How is it fair, he can abandon me, pack up and leave and yet still feel the authority to come to my house and tell me what to do. To me he forfeited that right on Thursday when he left to live a new life without me in it. But of course I’m not allowed to be upset about anything, because my mom says “stop being a brat, or you are not illustrating good behavior when you get angry or upset.” I refuse to be a doormat. I watched my dad get his way for 18 years, because my mom would give up and let him win.
Therefore my biggest struggle is finding balance between being nice to him even though its not deserved, and going off in an angry fit, because it is deserved. The Bible says “honor thy mother, and father”. It’s one of God’s commandments to his followers, and I honestly think it is the hardest commandment to follow. It’s so difficult for me to respect someone who show’s me none at all. I do know that God would not be pleased with my attitude sometimes towards my dad, but all I can do is pray for strength to be the bigger person, and understand God way’s
Thursday, October 28, 2010
God’s presence in my life over the years
Of course there are so many other things God has brought me through but I just felt like these were important today.
The first time I ever remember feeling God’s presence as he answered my prayer was at a Braves baseball game when I was 5. I had the chicken pox, and yet my dad still took me to my yearly game. I was so excited but all I wanted was to catch a ball all day long. My dad would always talk about the homerun ball he caught when he was just a kid, and back in those days I wanted to be just like m dad. Well it was the last inning of the game and still no ball. I remember closing my eyes holding my glove in the air and just praying and praying to catch a ball, and guess what I did! I felt the ball hit my glove and there it was, everyone sitting around us was congratulating me, and it was even on the big screen. I was the happiest kid that day.
During spring break last year, I planned on going on a World Changers trip with my youth group. The trip was only three hours away in Vero Beach, and I was very excited to go. However, two days prior to going my father was still not okay with me going, and made his opinion known. I was presented with the choice to go, and loose my car, my prom dress, and any privilege of going out for a long time, Or I could keep my car, prom dress, privileges, and not go on the trip. I was so angry that I was being forced to make this decision. After packing my bag and handing my car keys over to my dad, he made it clear he would not speak, or have anything to do with me if I left to go on the trip. The whole way driving to church I cried not knowing what I should do. My dad is not saved and does not share my beliefs, but there is nothing more that I want then for him to come to know God’s love and grace. I was torn do I listen to him and not do what I feel I should do, and maybe illustrate Gods love to him by staying, or do I disrespect his order, and go and do Gods work for a stranger. It just so happened that in service that morning my pastor said “someone can take your happiness away, but no one can take away your joy” It was one of those rare moments when I felt God was speaking directly to me. After service I got my bag out of the car and loaded it into the van, not sure if I was still doing the right thing.
When I arrived at the World Changers and unpacked my bag, I called my mom to let her know I arrived safely and she told me that my dad left really angry with my car and took both sets of keys along with the prom dress he bought for me the week before. I told myself that they were just material possessions and the work I would do that week, was so much more, and I was right. I came out of my shell that week; I opened my eyes and left my fear of praying out loud, and shyness right there in the middle of our circle as we prayed at the end of the first day. For the rest of the trip I begged God, to be with me when I returned home, and make all of my troubles go away, and well God answered my prayers to the fullest desire of my heart. When I came home, my car was in the driveway, my dress in my room, and most important my dad said hello to me, something he rarely did when he was not angry with me. Most people said “oh he just had time to calm down” but I knew that it was God blessing me for keeping my faith in him, my heavenly father, over my earthly one.
Now today 8 months later, I had to help my dad move into a new place, carry box, after box out of our house, and into his car. I had to help pick out carpet, and paint colors for his new place, all while my heart was breaking on the inside. Once again I poured out my heart to God as I sat at home watching him drive away to his new place, his new home without me. And I don’t necessarily see the blessings now but I know God has something planed for me, and will use me in my dad’s life to open his eyes to his God’s gift to the world.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Funny FacesSince my brothers first Halloween 31 years ago, the first Saturday of October my dad places three homemade Halloween decorations in the three front windows of our house (top left of the picture). There are two pumpkins, and a ghost which goes in the middle of the three windows. The three cut outs have always been referred to as the “Funny faces” since the pumpkins and ghost are all smiling. Tradition is very important and I have grown up around it, the funny faces are just one example of my dad’s holiday spirit. Along with Halloween there is the family pumpkin carving and the lovely trip to party city when I was younger to pick out a costume. And while some of these traditions have come to an end, the funny face one was never suppose to go way. Only this year it’s the third week of October, and no funny faces are hanging in the windows in fact they have not even been brought up. I think it’s pathetic that deep down I have not accepted my parents’ divorce, and my dad leaving, but the one thing that makes me know it’s real and something I cannot ignore anymore, is the absence of the happy faces. I just feel like putting them up myself, but it would just feel like another failed attempt and only add to my denial
(I think I was two or three making my brother around 15)
Once again there are so many worse things in the world, and I’m complaining about the forgotten decorations but it’s just how I feel, and they are symbolic to how I feel at any mention of the word “family or father/ daughter”. Today I was driving and the song Daughters by John Mayor came on and I cried as I heard the lyrics which is something I never do. (I’m not one to let emotions overcome me easily) Since I can’t explain it in words when people ask what’s wrong I feel like writing is the next best thing
I promise not all post will be about my parents but for now I feel as if its worthy to write about.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
There is no other way to say it. Watching a parent walk out on you, throwing in the towel. All because you turned 18 they think its perfectly fine to just cut all ties and move on to a new life with new friends. Ever since I was little, I have always known my parents were different. My dad never brought my mom flowers, they never said nice things to one another, we never ate diner as a family. I accepted that a long time ago. Growing up I loved going to friends houses just to see what a real family felt like, and see the love their parents had for one another, things I never felt. I also noticed growing up my father take care of my brothers every need. Even now as he is a grown man he still gives him money when he asks, puts gas in his car everyone in awhile, takes him out for dinner. I’ve had the opposite experience growing up. Begging for the littlest things, now being a college student he takes away my e-pass, then my car all because “his expenses are becoming harder”. As he buys himself a new house, new car, expensive watches and diners. Nothing can express the pain I feel every time I hear a father daughter song because all I have ever wanted was for my dad to respect me. I know he loves me, and I probably sound like a selfish person as a write this because I do have a lot more than others, but it does not take away from the void I feel in my heart, that I have never been good enough for him. Even more the fear that I’m what drove him away. I hate the feeling of not knowing whats next, but thats when I remember We do not walk by sight but by faith.
The only thing that gives me hope is knowing my heavenly father loves me and will never leave me.
The only thing that gives me hope is knowing my heavenly father loves me and will never leave me.